To my dearest mother,

I am not sure how to start this letter, but after yesterday’s conversation on Eid and you revealing to me that you have been diagnosed with breast cancer, I have had a mix of emotions running through me and I didn’t know how to express my feelings except by writing a letter.

Before I try to explain the situation to you, I want to tell you about a strange vision I had when I was in prison. I was transported back to Stoneydown Park primary school. I was finishing school; it was the end of the day and you had come along with your friends to collect me. It was a beautiful, hot summers day, the birds were chirping, and the sun was shining. You were wearing a bright blue shalwar kamiz with a white cardigan on and you had a blue dupatta (scarf) wrapped around your neck. There was a lovely summer breeze and it was blowing through your back/brownish hair. There was no white, you must have been a similar age to what I am now. You were in your prime as a young mother. Me, Faraz, Sadia and Uzmah all ran around laughing and playing as we made our way home in our bright yellow school uniforms. Aunty Shakila and Aunty Yasmin were also there, and you guys were busily talked, sharing the latest news with each other. It was truly a beautiful moment, a beautiful memory, when life was much simpler, much more innocent.

This vision reminded me of two ayaat (verses) from the Quran, where Allah says “God created you in a state of weakness (as a baby); then after weakness He gave you strength, then after strength, he made you weak and old. He creates what He wills. He is All-Knowing, All-Powerful” (Al Rum 30:54)Then he also said: “All that has been given to you is only the brief enjoyment of this world. But what is with God is far better and long lasting for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord” (As-Shura 42:36).

The reality is that life is so short and will go by just like that without us realising it. When I found out about your situation, it was a difficult pill to swallow but deep down I knew that this was a gift from Allah, especially for you. Allah has tested you with your health since the day I was born it seems and you have faced test after test thereafter alhamdulillah. One thing I have learnt from you throughout all of that is that mashaAllah you always stick firmly to your faith and that was and has always been inspirational for me.
When I heard about your cancer, my gut reaction was to try and come back to England, by all means necessary so that I could try to aid you and be at your service. After thinking it through for a while I realised even if I did achieve that it would be no avail. Deep down I know that the best thing that I could do as a son would be to continue to stay out here, striving and struggling and to try and attain as many good deeds as possible in the hope that they would be accept by Allah as sadaqa jariya for you.

Now onto my situation, the last month in all honesty has been quite a shock to me. I was not expecting to be arrested by our brothers in Hayaa and especially in the brutal fashion that I was. I am still trying to figure out the exact reasons why it happened, at this moment I can only really take guesses at what their real reasons are.

For the first 22 days in prison, I didn’t know what I was being charge with. I could only try to decipher bits of information I would get from the interrogation. I was almost always blindfolded when they questioned me, and they asked me about all different things to confuse and scare me. I was asked about my family’s kids, horses, charity, people who worked for me and many other things. It was only once I finally reached court that I was told that I was being accused of being part of a group seen as a rival or in opposition to Hayaa, the strongest group in Idlib. I was shocked when they told me this. I couldn’t understand how my name had been thrown into all of this. I had no connection to these individuals, never sat in any meetings with them, neither did I have any of their numbers. There was definitely a mistake in their intelligence, but Allah has made it like this for a greater purposNow that I am free and have had time to think, these are the reasons I believe they treated me like this. Firstly, because I didn’t join them, you know that I have always told you I maintained my independence and never joined any group. I always thought that this was the best way and to keep good relations with everyone. Sadly, many of their members now have the idea that if you are not with us then you are against us. Ironically exactly the same words as George Bush used when he began his war on terror.

The second being that I have always been very vocal in giving naseeha to the brothers when they made mistakes. It’s no secret and well known that I won several high-profile cases against HTS members in their own courts. A big issue happened a few years ago when some Hayaa soldiers took over a brand-new widows’ project that we had just built. They moved in with their families and refused to leave. The case took 2 months to resolve but alhamdulillah we eventually got justice from their own court

Another incident was when a manager of one of our refugee camps was kidnapped and beaten badly by one of their security officials. Again, we manage to get some justice through their internal court system. This was progress and filled me with hope that change was taking place. Sadly, some of their soldiers didn’t see it that way and began to hate me and spread rumours about me.

The third reason being my relationship with the Turks and doing aid projects in the Turkish administered areas. To be honest, I didn’t understand this one at first because the Turkish government and people had done so much to help the Syrian people. It was only in the interrogation room that I realised that they were angered because I was a foreigner. As far as I am aware. I am the only foreigner that has access to these areas and publicly works there. I tried my best to assure them that as the head of the charity organisation, I had to work through official channels to safeguard our donors. I told them that I had worked with the Turks for many years going to Gaza with them and going on the Mavi Marmara, but they were not happy. I don’t understand their fear mum.

The final reason is because me and Bilal have both been very vocal about reform of the justice system here. We gave them a lot of private naseeha, arranging projects and initiatives but sadly none worked. Then Bilal did a piece about Marwan Omkee, a civilian who was tortured to death whilst in their custody and this really angered them. I saw Bilal on Eid alhamdulillah he is good and sends his salaam, but I am really worried about him. May Allah protect him. AmeeThe sad truth is that there is currently a lot of injustice here. Most people are afraid to speak for fear of reprisal. Many of my Syrian friends told me that when I was in prison that they were afraid to share the FreeTox hashtags. It’s crazy to think that after all of this bloodshed and the fact that the revolution started here, to stop things like torture and indefinite detention, that our brothers have resorted to similar tactics. Just think what all our martyrs would say if they could see the situation now!

I sincerely believe that there are many more good people with the ranks of HTS. It is just so sad that they see me as an enemy now. I wish it wasn’t like this and didn’t have to come to this but there are people inside them who want to change. After all that has been said there is no need to be sad for me. I know that things may look bad on the outside but it’s quite the contrary. Allah says in the Quran “Oh you who believe, speak a persevering word of truth, even if it may be of witness against yourself”.

The Prophet pbuh also said “support your brother whether he is the oppressor or oppressed.” So today this is our duty. You know mum that when I left home, I didn’t do that just to handout aid boxes. Our goal was to try and stop the oppression that the people were facing and make real change. Previously we spoke out against Bashar publicly and then ISIS even though on both occasions we knew it would put our lives in danger, but it was the right thing to do. Likewise, now today, I have seen too much, this is what I think HTS fears the most, that’s why they haven’t closed my case. I have been inside their prisons and now that means I am holding massive responsibility to the Syrian people. If they don’t change, I will have to speak up even if it means coming in harms way. I currently haven’t said anything because I am adhering to my bail conditions, but I pray they make the necessary changes from my nasi

In history many of our classical scholars were imprisoned by Muslim leaders or Kings because they refused to conform and instead, they chose to speak a word of truth and preserve the deen. So today if we treat this path and are persecuted by our own brothers, then don’t be sad for us because this is the path that we chose. One based on principle, and for the rights and greater good of the Muslims.

Finally, all that I ask is that you make dua for me and forgive me for my shortcomings in looking after and serving you. I have been making lots of dua that Allah re-unites us in this world and you finally get to see your grandchildren. I firmly believe that Allah Swt will open new doors for me. All I must do is continue striving and try to do the right thing.

In Allah we trust!

Your loving son Tauqir